This shall remain nameless. Deal.

It's been one of those days, but for a week now. One of those days where it feels like the world's out to get you, when really it couldn't care less. One of those days when you just want to cry it out because you're depressed about nothing at all. One of those days where everything gets to you, no matter how small and stupid.

I couldn't work out why I was having it. I mean, sure, I've had them before. Nothing new there. But jeez, a week? Tad bit excessive I thought. Not exactly a great mood to waste your holidays away in. Not that I didn't do anything. Did the usual catching up with friends etc.

Keeping up a smile, some retardedly witty comments though, is tiring. And hard to do.

Then I finally worked out what was wrong. It wasn't the people around me. It wasn't the weather. It wasn't some utterly random event on the other side of the world. It was me.

Plain old boring me.

What a let down. Nothing interesting about that at all. How boring.

So then I decided in my wonderful wisdom, to make a list of why I depress myself. Because that isn't weird or anything. And then I thought, why not show it to the wastes of the Internet, where nobody will ever read it or give a darn about some teenager who, like the stereotypical person of their age, is depressed and will never get anywhere in their life. Well, here it is.

1. Weight. Could lose some of that. Or a lot actually.
2. Having friends that don't actually like you but still pretend they do because they are best friends with your boyfriend and think that they have to look like they like you. If that makes sense.
3. Social awkwardness. One day, I will have social interactions with somebody where I don't act like a retard and make a fool of myself.
4. Fashion sense appropriate for a female. Lets not even go there.
5. Being lethargic constantly. Bad when needing to get things done. Not the same as procrastinating, although I do that too.
6. Complete indecisiveness. I literally hate making choices about what to do with friends etc. If I say I don't mind what we do I actually mean it. I don't care what on Earth we do, as long as we are doing it. Nobody's quite got the hang of that yet.
7. Being paranoid. Good for keeping you alive I hear, bad for letting you trust people.
8. Failing at everything.
9. Not being the prettiest thing out there. Not by a long shot.

I could think up more. I know I could.

But you know what? Nine is a nice number. I'll leave it at that. I'm sure it gives you SOME idea.

well, I suppose I could give you another...

•  Being a realist. Because people always confuse it with pessimism.

There you go. Don't get too excited.

"A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist."  - Ashley Williams, Mass Effect

Farewell, cruel world.

At least for 12 days...

About the wonderful and glorious, but completely boring, me

I guess I should tell you people who actually bother to read this a bit more than that short bio on the right. I don't know if you really want to read this, but hey, if you don't you either skip this, or shouldn't be bothered reading my blog in the first place. It's that simple.
So...
I guess I'm just an average teenager. I have people who like me, people who hate me, and people I like to think hate me. I do well enough in school for my parents, and I try hard, which doesn't always help me keep friends. Well, actually, doesn't help at all. I don't like to call myself antisocial but sometimes I just don't want to talk. Often people just don't understand that. Sometimes I just don't want to be bothered hanging out with people, because something always goes wrong. Sometimes I like the safety of hiding in a room with my computer better than risking social suicide. Who wants to risk hurting themselves?

People think I am unbearably shy and quiet when they first meet me. I'm not if you get close to me. I guess it's kind of a defence mechanism. If I don't keep my mouth shut, I invariably manage to say something embarrassing. Like, really embarrassing. People also like to tell me that I'm a pessimist. I am not. I like to think that I am a realist. As a character in a computer game once said, "A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist".

I try to be nice to people, as I know I am very good at hurting them. Not physically, but with words. But sometimes they take what I say the wrong way and get hurt. Or sometimes I let anger get the better of me and regret it immensely when I calm down. I gave up long ago trying to please people, or fit in, but occasionally I do it without realising. I figure that if people can't accept me for who I am, then they aren't worth hanging around. Even if you lie about who you are to them and you become best friends, one day they will find out. Whether you tell them or they find out on their own, they will forget all those fun times you've had together and ditch you. Because those memories won't have been with you. They were with an impostor, a lie that was created to catch their heart.

I like music, and I can play the clarinet and the piano, even though I suck so bad at them. I haven't really got a favourite band/singer/genre, but I don't usually like rap or loud music with lots of screaming. It makes my head hurt. I like drawing, but decided to stop doing art at school because we hardly drew, and I was never good at it anyway. I usually draw just random stuff that pops into my head in pencil, and never decide to totally ruin it by colouring it in. My colouring skills leave a lot to be desired. I do Ballet, much to the horror and shock of all the people in my year that don't know me. I'm not very good at it so I usually stick to playing Badminton, which along with all the rest doesn't exactly raise my popularity meter.

I used to be scared of dogs, but I think I've almost managed to get over it. Instead I am even more scared of spiders, and have a loathing of all other arachnids and insects in general. I have...issues with heights, and refuse to believe that it is an irrational fear. What is irrational about being scared of something that could kill you? The ocean is also kinda scary. Bad experiences as a child.

My friends tell me I don't eat enough, and while I disagree, I have long given up telling them otherwise. I am weird because I don't actually mind school work, just the homework is a bit frustrating. It's good to stop you from getting bored. I speak enough German to maybe last a minute in a talk with a German, but I do enjoy learning the language and I had a great teacher this year. I like playing computer games (-50 popularity points) and do well enough to beat my older brother at them occasionally. I procrastinate so much I am amazed I ever get things finished, and I often finish assignments the night before they are due, much to my parents chagrin. I like books, and I love learning more about history. Unless I already know it, and have been learning the same thing over and over again for years. Needless to say that gets frustrating. I love to write, and have written a few things for fanfiction.net. As with many things in my life, updates are sporadic at best. I don't watch TV much but I do like Doctor Who. Matt Smith is amazing!

I have a boyfriend, and I like him. A lot. Maybe you could say I love him, but whether I do or don't, why would it be your business?
I like my friends. Sometimes we drift. Well, a lot of the time actually, and it's sad. I don't realise till it's too late to fix.
I am a dreamer, and I guess that's all you really need to know.

picture from http://www.flixster.com/photos/matt-smith-fez-13639028
'Doctor Who' belongs to the BBC. No copyright infringement intended. 

Fatsy Patsy

“You’re not fat, but you’re bigger than you were.”
What a way to destroy someone's self confidence. I can see the difference, but you could have softened it a bit. ‘bigger than you were’ may as well be fat. It is bigger after all. You just didn’t restrain the bigness. Didn’t say it was only slight, or massive. If you’re going to say it. Don’t imply. Just get it over with. I know when you lie.

Fat fat fat fat fat.

I do ballet. It’s not good for people who don’t have a good body image. Makes people go anorexic, because there isn’t anything to hide the fact that you’re a normal weight, while everyone else is skinny. You look fat in comparison. I look fat in comparison. But I don’t just look it. I am it.

“You’re not fat, you’re the skinniest person I know!”
yeah right. You’re the real skinniest person. I am heaps fatter than you. Can’t you see it? See all that fatness? Just hanging there, sagging out from the sides. You’re so pretty, and you can fit in all those skinny dresses and look brilliant in them. But when I try them on it just shows off the fat. No slimness for me. Just fat. Big, insulating fat. I can’t believe that you don’t have a boyfriend yet, that he hasn’t even spared you a passing glance. Can’t he see the beauty radiating off you? Can’t he see the way your black, curly hair frames your face so perfectly? Can’t he see that you’re so skinny?

Can’t you see that I’m fat?

I am you know. And don’t bother trying to convince me otherwise. Because I am. And deep down you know it too.

Fat fat fat fat fatty fat.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

Okay. This should be one of the best days of my life. Which it was. So yeah, this is the first day I have ever gone out with someone, and yet I already feel sad. It isn't his fault. He is amazing (at least to me), but as with many things, there is always something bad to accompany every single decision you make. Decide not to finish your assignment on the weekend so you can hang out with friends, and you end up staying up late the night before it is due finishing it. Drive home whilst drunk, and you could kill yourself. In my case, choose one guy, and you end up screwing up the life of another.

I feel like I'm in one of those old, cheesy, romance novels. Except they don't sound all that cheesy anymore. They actually make a whole lot of sense. Two guys, one girl, and the struggle for her heart. Eventually one is chosen over the other, and the other is...well...lost without her love. I chose one guy over the other, and eventually I'll probably have to pay for it. Karma sucks in that respect.

I'd most likely feel better if I didn't know the other one liked me. That would explain why I feel so bad. Because I knew, and I went ahead anyway. Call me Crusher, because that's what I do. I crush people. I crush their hearts. I crush their hopes. I crush their needs. I crush their everything.

I'm not writing this to get sympathy. I'm not writing this to make myself feel better. I'm writing this so that on the day I look back at this blog and read all these random musings, I remember something important. Something that makes us human.

I want to remember empathy.

School: It's a jungle out there

School is a cruel environment. It is the survival of the fittest, and the weak shall perish. The loud ones get all the attention of the teacher, as they make the most fuss. The quiet ones just sit by the side trying to make sense of the things that don’t. The popular ones are nearly always the people with the raging social life, who get C’s and don’t care one bit about it. The unpopular ones are the nerds and the geeks, who are shunned by the school social life for being smarter or just plain weirder than everybody else. I tried to explain this to somebody once, and was not doing well at it. Frustrated, I asked them a simple question:
“If you could have a person who gets along with everyone, or someone who gets every question right in classes as your friend, who would you choose?”
Their reply was simple.
“I would choose the smart person so I could get A’s, then I would say screw you and make friends with the social one.”

I can’t say I was surprised. People say that the teenage years are the best ones of someone’s life. I doubt it. I think I could find plenty of people who would disagree, myself included. If the rest of our lives are going to be worse than the years I am in, then I am definitely not looking forward to it. Not one bit. The halls of school are filled with the words of angsty teenagers. Some talk about how such and such won’t talk to so and so. Some talk about how their friends have ditched them. Some talk about how their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them the other day. Some make themselves heard by saying nothing at all. Are they saying that in the adult years, instead of words there will be action? Instead of being verbally abused I will be physically abused?

The councillors appointed to sort out the woes of the students walk about blissfully unaware of their cries, living in a dream world where all the students are smiling and everyone gets along. And yet it most certainly is a dream. They think that the students will go to them for help, like they did when they were little and somebody had called them names. But most people don’t want to. They can’t see how a councillor can help, when friends who know the people giving them a hard time cannot convince them to stop what is hurting them. The councillors and even the teachers are merely spectators in school. Spectators to the jungle it is.

School is vicious. School is nasty. School is just plain old mean, and it isn’t going to change. At least, not any time soon.

And yet…
There is hope, in a way. It isn’t a school wide reform. Nobody is releasing happy gas or something like it into the school environment. But it’s nice to know that someone out there cares, and they do. Someone like you knows how you feel, and how much people are hurting you. Someone, whether they are your mum or your best friend, is there for you. You just have to look, and be open to it. If you just tell somebody, it makes the pain a little more bearable. One less tear is shed. One less moment is sour. One more person is happy. One more life is changed, perhaps forever. But always for the best.

Gillard vs. Abbott: the Australian Election 2010

I really don't understand people sometimes. Everyone's going on about how Julia Gillard is the first female Prime Minister of Australia, and how if they could vote, they'd vote for her. When I ask if they would have voted for Kevin Rudd, they rave on about how bad he was and how his mining tax and all those things were the worst things that have ever happened to us. But when I ask them why they want to vote for Gillard, all they can talk about is how she's the first female Prime Minister. I don't understand why they don't realise it's still Labor, still the same policies. All they can think about is this ‘first female’ business. They don't stop and THINK. Gillard is going to do the same things that Rudd did, just with a few tweaks, to remove the unpopular parts and make them appear to be completely new ideas. 

But then, what choice do we have? This year's election is between Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott. Each has similar policies to the other, and neither stands for something the other doesn't. This election isn't going to be about policy. It's going to be about who people would rather have as Prime Minister. We're going to have one of them, and it seems people would rather have Gillard over Abbott - single lady over scantily clad man. People criticize Abbott for his infamous red 'budgie smugglers', but at least he's exercising. It's not as though he's going skinny dipping or anything like that. At least we know that if he becomes Prime Minister he isn't going to die suddenly of a condition caused by obesity or lack of exercise.

I then overheard some conversations between some of my friends’ parents. They don't want to vote Labor, and they don't want to vote Liberal either. That's fair enough. But who do they want to vote for? The Greens! I don't have a problem with that at all, it's their choice. But they don't realise that voting for the Greens is like voting for Labor, unless the member for the Greens wins your seat. With the way preferences work, if you vote for the Greens above the line in the senate, and they don't get in, then your vote goes to Labor. Effectively, a vote for the Greens is like a vote for Labor. You might as well vote for Labor if you want to vote for the Greens instead of the major parties. The outcome will be the same. My suggestion if you don't want to vote for a major party? Don't fill in the form. That way, neither major party will get your vote by preference. If you'd feel bad doing that? Then fill in the form below the line.